I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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