I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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