is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
