my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
