youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
