I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
