Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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