wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
