Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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