Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
