why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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