Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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