"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
