You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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