Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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