The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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