make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
