Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
