She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
