He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
