Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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