If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I look better un-naked...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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