Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
