awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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