Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
