True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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