you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
