my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
