I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
