Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
