Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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