I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
