I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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