i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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