he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
