I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
