we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
