I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
