answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
BRING THE BAGELS
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
