dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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