We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
