I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
