Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
