When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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