I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
