you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You are a genius and a whore.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
