Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
