dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
