My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
