last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
