I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
