I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
