Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I love you. Go after that dick
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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