I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
