What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
