hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
