I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
