I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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