so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
