Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
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I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
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It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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