literally had 100 drinks last night.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
