my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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