I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
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Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
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All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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