does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
