you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
