Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
