don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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